Sunday, June 9, 2013

Honeysuckle Lavender & Plastic

charliesarmysimssoldiers: Whenever I feel shit or just bored I...



charliesarmysimssoldiers:

Whenever I feel shit or just bored I watch this and it
makes life 100000x better

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signed up for sessions with a new therapist tonight because i honestly can’t weather this shit...

signed up for sessions with a new therapist tonight because i honestly can’t weather this shit anymore. we’ll see how this goes.

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fuckin why tho. sitting. silent. clock ticks. i made myself hot cocoa with the fancy shredded pure...

fuckin why tho.

sitting. silent. clock ticks. i made myself hot cocoa with the fancy shredded pure chocolate from the pantry and there are two marshmallows. tomorrow is pride. the ex keeps texting me. i’m still stuck babysitting for two more hours. night. long. rain. tick. tick. alone.

i always always feel alone these days even when im with people. i want to be drunk and happy. what the fuck is wrong with me. 

i need to dust out the cobwebs of my insides and get it together because im making myself miserable and i have no goddamn reason to.

everythings fine now. everything is fine. life was mind fucking me back in april, now it’s june and everything is on pause, i’m well-rested and i’m sheltered with sunshine and trees and an empty, always empty empty house. why am i floundering. why am i insecure like fourteen years old, like im not twenty, an adult, with an established life and friends. 

all i do is watch television and think about disintegrating.

my dog can smell me wilting away in the bed next to her. 

the cocoas been sitting so long the marshmallows have deflated into a thick foam covering the top of the mug. melting.

i melt.

melodramatic. i dont know how to cry.

i take baths and sweat a goddamn awful lot. sleep to the sound of plastic, sterile air filtering into my bedroom. it is so cold i went to sleep in a sweater and flannel with a beanie on my head the other night. my ex of a long once upon a time ago used to sleep with beanies on his head in the winter, he’d get so cold.

i think i was maybe in love with him. if i was ever in love with anybody it was him.

help yourself help yourself to anything at all.

it got so dark last night i thought about the knife drawer in the kitchen but every knife sharp enough has serrated edges and i want to make a clean cut.

i am nothing without you people don’t you get it.

i hate needing anyone but i never thought id hate needing you.

my fish swims in a murky tank filled with bloated pieces of uneaten fish food and his own excretions. i keep telling him i’ll clean it out and i never, never do. nate told me last night that if i wanted to let myself fall in love, i could, it’s real easy. you can fall in love with anybody. i’m just not letting myself. bullshit nate. bullshit.

i feel hurt and i don’t even think i have a right to and i haven’t even made myself vulnerable to it so what. the fuck.

this is a thick, smothering, dark summer and you can’t understand and i feel like i’ve outgrown everyone in the world that i know but more likely they’ve all outgrown me.

i’m sitting here staring at my own feet wondering what to do with them, how to make use of them, the rest of this summer can’t go this way and then back to houghton and kill me kill me i cant take this. if this is life i dont want it.

i don’t want any more scars but if they’re in my heart why not have them visible on my skin too?

nothing makes me happy anymore. there is nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back on. i lie awake at night till i hear the birds chirping outside my window and i want to tell them all to fuck off and stop being so goddamn optimistic about things because this is shit.

i’d rather sink right away than die slowly treading water.

if you were me you’d want to be drunk all the time too.

you’d want everything, you’d be greedy for it, hungry and desperate and clawing.

i’m sorry and i’m scared and i wish i didn’t have to be this way. i thought about taking three klonopin last night, just to feel something, other than sad. i haven’t been taking them lately and maybe that’s why everything’s so off-balance. i didn’t take the klonopin though, i just lay there and watched tv till my mind went numb and then it all slipped away. sleep.

i’ll hate myself for posting this tomorrow and delete it because i KNOW you don’t have to tell me i KNOW it’s so goddamn pathetic.

but for now i want to feel like i’m telling someone and someone can help or cares. so for now, i’m posting this.

the marshmallows have altogether disappeared and the mug remains. untouched.

lonely. da fuq.

lonely. da fuq.

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woooo just got home from lissie and she fucking ended with...



woooo just got home from lissie and she fucking ended with pursuit of happiness. what a great night with my best bud and the gentle folk of allston.

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it’s funny how some people pride themselves on smoking weed but not cigarettes and some people...

it’s funny how some people pride themselves on smoking weed but not cigarettes and some people pride themselves on smoking cigarettes but never weed and some of us just smoke both because why the FUCK not.

crissquinto: I showed a picture of Darren to my hairdresser (before the show so he could see who im...

crissquinto:

I showed a picture of Darren to my hairdresser (before the show so he could see who im seeing) and jokingly said "this is the man I'm going to marry obviously" and he said "oh honey I'm sorry to break your heart, but he definitely plays for my team" oh my god

OH MY FUCK YES THO

elydea: neverforgetneverforgive: werepartofthemasterplan: briz...













elydea:

neverforgetneverforgive:

werepartofthemasterplan:

brizzbee:

I'm pretty sure I've already reblogged this at some point, but can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that Mark Salling is the patron saint of crisscolfer? Because he is. 

Did I mention my undying love for you, Mark? … if not, HERE IT IS: I FREAKING LOVE YOU

Mark, I love you.

You're the capitan of this ship.

Like Darren and Chris, obviously.

"IT SHOULD"

A Teenager In Love

A Teenager In Love:

The most beautiful thing I've ever read by Ryan O'Connell

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